By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-01-17 22:30:19 | Updated at 2025-01-18 01:52:41
3 hours ago
BEIJING — With TikTok soon to take effect in the United States, the Chinese Communist Party was forced to resort to spying on Americans by hiding tiny little cameras inside fortune cookies.
According to sources, fortune cookie manufacturing has been outsourced to Uyghur Muslim re-education camps, where slaves work around the clock baking tiny HD cameras into the fortune cookies and preparing them for shipment. Meanwhile, CCP officials were busy threatening Chinese restaurant managers in the U.S. to carry the new spy cookies or risk retribution.
"You make spy cookie now!' one source inside the camp said a workmaster shouted. "Delicious cookie, little paper, and tiny camera! Go! You make! Spy! Spy!"
Pentagon officials reported a significant uptick in both the size and quantity of fortune cookies included with the average meal. In response, President Joe Biden raised America's DEFCON level to 3, indicating an increased state of readiness on account of the fortune cookies.
Fortune cookies have been used to spread Chinese propaganda for decades. Messages like "You will make a new friend today" or "Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded" were used to make Americans susceptible to the influences of Chinese spies. Even Eric Swalwell, a congressional representative famous for dating a Chinese spy, only became involved with Christine Fang after opening a fortune cookie and seeing the fortune, "Love is in the air for you." Under the new initiative, the CCP will now secretly record Americans following every trip to Panda Express.
At publishing time, an American family was surprised when they opened their cookies and found four identical fortunes reading, "We can see you."
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