By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-10-14 18:05:23 | Updated at 2026-10-14 19:03:32
1 hour ago
SPRINGFIELD, MO — One young member of a local congregation found himself feeling despondent about his future, as the youth group boy was doomed to lifelong singleness after failing to stack chairs correctly.
Jayden Cook stayed after Bible study last night with his friends to help clean up the room and stack the chairs, only to later find out that his inability to properly stack church chairs meant that he would never take a wife.
"It's one of the most important factors, apparently," Cook said after being told the bad news. "I thought I was just helping out with the chairs, but my youth pastor pulled me aside and told me my chair-stacking technique was not conducive to winning a spouse as an adult. I've failed as a church chair-stacker, which means I have failed as one of God's children. I don't deserve a wife. Please… look away… I'm hideous."
Cook's youth pastor, Darren Beach, confirmed the sad story. "Yes, it's true. All of it," Beach said. "We had high hopes for Jayden. He comes from a good, solid, Christ-fearing family. He's always been a good kid. We assumed he would grow up to become one of the pillars of our church. Unfortunately, he can't stack the church chairs, and we all know what an important role that plays in the life of a believer. We cannot in good conscience advise any young woman to enter into a marriage with someone who can't stack the chairs."
At publishing time, church leaders had told Cook to stay far away from the chairs from now on and accept his new permanent role as a greeter who would never marry.
Noah's Ark has definitely been found and we highlight 9 incredible artifacts that prove it.
