Zendaya's stylist and best friend Law Roach details insecurities about his weight as he reveals he was '100 pounds heavier than he is today'

Zendaya describes him as her ‘fashion soulmate’ and he’s the man responsible for sending Hunter Schafer down the red carpet wearing nothing but a feather across her chest.

Law Roach, the celebrity stylist who has also worked with Celine Dion, Lewis Hamilton, Kerry Washington and Megan Thee Stallion, was becoming almost as famous as his clients.

But then, at the height of his fame, he dramatically retired the morning after the Oscars last year.

Now - after a year to take stock - he has written a new book, How To Build a Fashion Icon. In this exclusive extract, he opens up about how his deep insecurities surrounding his fluctuating weight still haunt him.

I’ve had an interesting relationship with my body for my entire adult life.

At my heaviest I was more than 100 pounds heavier than I am today, and even now my weight can fluctuate month to month. I’m sure that’s common for many of us. But I’m constantly working on injecting more love into that relationship.

Clothing can be a constant reminder of the status of your body. How you fit into a piece can remind you of how you looked at another point in your life. It can really shake you at times and be extremely rewarding at others. And that happens to us all - when I put on a piece that used to be tight and it now feels a little oversized, it does make me feel good.

But it’s important that we all consciously work to improve those feelings from within.

2021 was a big year for me. I was honored to be on the cover of Out magazine, for its Out100 list, which is a huge deal within the LGBTQ+ community.

I decided to go in a new direction for me. Instead of putting couture on and dressing up, I had the idea to strip it down. I went for a more nineties, almost B-boy aesthetic. Think an Adidas track suit, Calvin Klein underwear, and an easy denim jacket.

But most importantly, I decided to show off me.

In the cover image I’m holding my jacket open, shirtless with my body for all to see. It was an incredibly vulnerable moment that I was sharing with over one million people.

I don’t have a muscular, well-defined body. I have stretch marks and all these imperfections. Even when I go to the beach or to a pool, I’ve never been the type to have my shirt off - even at my smallest, I’ve always worn a T-shirt.

‘I’m not perfect,’ I wrote on Instagram when I posted the photos.

‘I’ve struggled with my weight my entire adult life, even resorting to unhealthy ways to try to stay thin. I decided to be photographed with my shirt off to help me shed some insecurities about my body. F*CK IT this is me.’

It felt sexy and flirty. It felt liberating. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have second thoughts afterward. How would my body look? How would it be received? But this was me.

My mother and grandmother were both beautiful and took a lot of pride in their appearance, but they weren’t the textbook skinny that was considered 'in fashion.' And they knew that. But they also weren’t trying to be.

I see so many women today who feel badly about themselves and let their confidence slip when they’re not the size they think they should be - often it’s the size someone else thinks they should be.

In our neighborhood if you didn’t have a big butt and big breasts, you weren’t considered attractive. My mother and grandmother didn’t necessarily fit that mold, but that didn’t stop them from walking through the world exuding confidence.

My mother passed away not long after I graduated. I was in my twenties, and I had a long grieving process. I went through a lot of thoughts at that time about happiness and fulfillment, about her life and mine. Sometimes death can do that to you; it can cause you to really consider how to make the most of your time on this earth.

My mother dealt with chronic depression and struggled with addiction. I think a lot of that is hereditary.

I dealt with depression on and off as a teenager and young adult. I don’t blame my mother, but I acknowledge how I had begun picking up some of her behaviors for dealing with troubles. It was a legacy I didn’t want to repeat, so I made conscious decisions to prevent that.

After she passed away, I really thought about the person I wanted to be, and I took steps in that direction.

In the wake of that tragedy, my two younger brothers, who were still living with her, found themselves without a guardian. So I stepped in to help raise them.

It wasn’t cheap. I needed to make money to support myself and my brothers, so I got a job bartending at a big club in Chicago.

I could have found a corporate job - something that paid six figures, included benefits, and put my degrees to work in a more direct way - but something kept telling me not to. So I held out for dreams of something bigger.

It’s funny that even though I felt so strongly about resisting the temptation of a regular nine to five job, at that point, I didn’t have specific dreams for my future. I certainly couldn’t have known what was to come.

But in my mind, I didn’t have to know. I trusted myself. I trusted my abilities. I knew it would work out. I held onto the feeling that something big was out there for me and was confident that when the opportunity presented itself, I would be ready. And I was.

Earlier in my career, I had a rule in styling, and I made sure my assistants adhered to it: we never belittled or spoke negatively of a client’s weight. When we had someone who was not sample size, we’d tell brands ‘just so you know, she’s oversample.’

That was us being honest to get what we needed done while not being destructive or negative about our clients. I would never want to disrespect someone by giving too much importance to their size, and I never have.

The thing about being a stylist is that I know what my clients like and what they don’t like about themselves. There’s no hiding that. I think everybody at some point has experienced insecurity. Even if it seems minor, everyone has hang-ups about their appearance, and depending on the day, it can affect their confidence.

And of course, this doesn’t just happen with clients. Sometimes I will look at photos of myself after a night out and even though everyone else may say I looked great, I can see an extra fullness in my face, possibly due to being tired or maybe from a few too many nights drinking at work events.

Because of my own personal history with my weight, I immediately see the older version of myself with the slightest body fluctuation. I see the person I was before.

Each day I work on this ability to be able to confidently look at myself and everything that I may perceive as a flaw, but I do not let my judgments stop me from stepping out into the world with my best foot forward.

It all ebbs and flows. We can’t expect to feel one hundred percent confident in our skin all the time. Loving yourself means that you acknowledge when you’re not feeling confident and you allow yourself the grace and time to recalibrate.

Be compassionate with yourself. Everyone has moments of self-doubt and insecurity. Rather than being self-critical during those times, offer yourself the same kindness and understanding you would give to a friend or another loved one. You deserve it.

Adapted excerpt from the new book How to Build a Fashion Icon: Notes on Confidence by Law Roach published by Abrams Image © 2024 Law Roach