By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-11 19:45:20 | Updated at 2025-03-12 07:09:18
11 hours ago
Brought to you by: Priority Gold
With the stock market taking it on the chin these days, Americans are wondering if there are other places they should invest their money. Little do you know, there are some surprising investments that are total locks to outperform the current market.
The Babylon Bee is here to protect your financial future with the following list of things you can invest in that are better than the stock market:
Red Lobster gift cards
Wii U games
Kamala Harris's 2024 presidential campaign
MySpace
Subscription to Christianity Today
Rare JD Vances
1992 Ford Ranger pickup truck
A through-the-mail DVD rental business
A timeshare in Gaza
Hunter Biden artwork
MSNBC
A degree from an Ivy League school
Wendy's Frosty coupons
Kanye's next album
Car wash vacuum tokens
Whatever Nancy Pelosi is investing in
As you can see, pretty much anything is a better investment than today's stock market Dump all of your money into any of the places listed above, and you'll do just fine.
NOT SATIRE: BREAKING: The Fed's New Master Plan to Hijack Your Money is Now in Play!
While the liberal elites fuss over tariffs and inflation, the Federal Reserve is busy unveiling its master plan to transform your bank account into a state-sponsored money vault.
That's right - the FED has teamed up with over 100 banks to:
Track every transaction you make.
Freeze your account at any time.
Block your ability to send or receive money.
This isn't a rumor — it's all laid out in Federal Reserve Docket No. OP-1670, a 93-page document that reveals their plan to monitor and control your finances.
But there's still time to shield yourself.
In this free Wealth Defense Guide, we'll show you 3 simple steps to shield your money from the Fed's overreach and keep your savings safe.
Click Here to Get Your Free Guide
Under a new presidential order, posting in support of Ukraine will automatically draft you into the military.
