By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-10-06 19:15:19 | Updated at 2026-10-06 21:58:11
2 hours ago
The Pentagon officially approved execution by firing squad for the Fort Hood shooter, but that's not the only crime the military is seeking the death penalty for these days.
Here are nine other crimes that Secretary of War Pete Hegseth just declared are also punishable by death:
Crying: No trial needed.
Owning anime: A firing squad may be too kind for such an offense.
Having seen the musical Wicked: You can go defy gravity in the gallows, soldier.
Being ugly: We will have the most lethal and attractive fighting force on the planet.
Talking about your feelings: Sayonara, loser.
Singing "and many more" at the end of "Happy Birthday": Send 'em to their maker, Pete.
A man using any emoji other than 👍: Straight to the electric chair.
Having a LinkedIn profile: Good call, Mister Secretary.
Writing online satire: Uh-oh.
It's a new day in the American military. Let us know any other things that Secretary Hegseth should add to the list.
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