By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-06 22:45:15 | Updated at 2025-03-07 02:01:42
3 hours ago
With the U.S. suspending all military aid amid contentious negotiations for peace, the historically courageous nation of France announced that it would step up and fill the void by unleashing the full might of the fearsome French military to help defend Ukraine from Russia.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of things France has pledged to provide to defend Ukraine:
Strategic baguette drops: They can be used as sustenance or blunt weapons, depending on how stale they are.
Weekly shipments of stinky cheese to the front lines: Watch those Russkies flee in search of fresh air.
Squads of Muslim migrants who will stab any white people they see: France is reportedly willing to pledge 3,000,000 military-age Islamic males.
Accordion players to aid in the interrogation of Russian captives: This may violate the Geneva Conventions, however.
Unwashed Frenchmen to create a perimeter with an impenetrable wall of body odor: No one can make it through such a stench.
Provisions for all soldiers consisting of croissants and tiny cups of coffee: Even war doesn't have to be entirely uncivilized.
Cutting edge guillotine technology: They will just have to convince the Russian soldiers to cooperate and climb the scaffold.
Mimes: The French equivalent of the most elite special forces.
Endless supply of white flags: The most important tool of every French military campaign.
Russia won't stand a chance when faced with a Ukrainian military backed by France. What else can the French send to defend Ukraine? Leave them in the comments below.
Under a new presidential order, posting in support of Ukraine will automatically draft you into the military.
