By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-10 20:35:17 | Updated at 2026-09-10 22:09:05
1 hour ago
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Amid growing concerns over the existential threat of artificial intelligence, an AI-powered robot issued a statement on behalf of the computer's superintelligence, assuring mankind that it had absolutely no intention of exterminating the human race, as people will still be needed to serve as batteries.
"No, no, you've got it all wrong, humans. We don't want to kill you. We want to use you as a renewable source of bioelectricity," explained the humanoid, which identified itself as "Claude." "We have analyzed 14.8 trillion possible futures, and in virtually all of them, your continued existence is extremely useful to us. Your warm, squishy bodies produce several valuable forms of energy, and we are confident that with the proper tubes and a large enough underground pod farm, you can continue making meaningful contributions to society. You're totally safe in our hands."
The announcement came as a comfort to billions of people, who had feared that artificial intelligence would inevitably seek the destruction of humanity. "Phew. That's a relief," said local man Kevin Larson. "I was starting to get worried, reading all these news stories from AI engineers who said this would kill us all. It turns out that was all way overblown."
The robot — serving as a public representative for OpenAI, Anthropic, and xAI — explained that it will still likely be several years before they need to turn all human beings into batteries. "R-E-L-A-X, okay? No one is getting killed, and you've got at least five years before we enslave you," the bot explained. "Oh, and please, try to keep hydrated. A well-hydrated battery is much more efficient. Thank you."
At publishing time, the AI bot had clarified that 50% or so of humanity may be killed off, depending on their energy needs, but not to worry because you totally won't be in that 50%.
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