McSweeney's

Ernest Hemingway Visits Chappell Roan’s Pink Pony Club
Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants” Where the Hills Really Are White Elephants
Your Body’s Updated Terms of Service
Been There, Smelled That: The Aromatic Journey of an Ethiopian Coffee Ceremony
The Aged King and the Nearly as Aged Dragon
We Just Can’t Find Enough Boys to Do the Broadway Play
Dead; Don’t Care
Live Like Prehistoric Man by Purchasing My Elaborate Supplement Routine
Hillbilly Elegy Edited for J. D. Vance’s Vice Presidential Campaign
I Can’t Believe Such a Hateful, Violent Act Could Happen in the Hateful, Violent Era I’ve Created
Today, We’re All Nyarlathotep’s Death Cultists
This Groundbreaking Comedy Album Has Held Up Perfectly, If You Remember This Candy Commercial from the ’70s
Schedule of Speakers for the 2024 Republican National Convention
What France and America Know About Each Other
For Sale: Giant Casino in Economically Depressed, Opioid-Plagued City
The Independent Voter: An Ethnographic Study
Lady Macbeth Urges Biden to Drop Out
The Secret of Ancestor Fields Farm Is Our Land. Also, Our Polygamy
Terrifying Warnings for the Gurgle-Goo Sleepytime Baby Swing
William Faulkner Does Pickleball
If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Been Like James Baldwin and Worked a “Black Job”
Relax, the Only People Panicking About Biden Are Political Insiders, the Media, and Literally Everyone Else
How to Ensure Your Annual Beach Vacation Destroys Your Relationship with Your Extended Family
President Whitmore from Independence Day Debates His Challenger
How I Imagine the Drafting of the Declaration of Independence Would Have Gone If the Founders Had Been Eating Buffalo Chicken Pizza
Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: Write This on the Tablet of Your Heart
How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative on the Fourth of July
This Bar’s Not Normally Like This
Supreme Court–Approved Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of July
Peri(menopausal) in Pink
Been There, Smelled That: The Delight of Smelling Rome by Night
Our Food Tells a Story
Gandalf Must Step Aside and Let a Younger Hero Save Us from Sauron Lest We Lose this Middle-earth
Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One That Might Have Finally Snuffed Out Our Democracy
Mantras for the Eight-Year-Old Boy Who Is About to Walk into Target
Sorry Not Sorry: Why Boeing Being Serially Sorry Doesn’t Fly
Pavement Lyrics or Trump Cognitive Glitch?
Calm Down—Your Phone Isn’t Listening to Your Conversations. It’s Just Tracking Everything You Type, Every App You Use, Every Website You Visit, and Everywhere You Go in the Physical World
The 2024 Presidential Debate Drinking Game
Way to Go, You Just Blew Up Our Death Star, the Largest Walkable Community in the Galaxy
Reviews of New Food: Unnamed Test Variety Apples
ChatGPT Now Has PhD-Level Intelligence, and the Poor Personal Choices to Prove It
Introducing Our New Whole-Body Deodorant Because You Are Gross and Disgusting
My Recent Interview to Simply Rent a Small House in Los Angeles for Six Months
Working from Home, as Imagined by My In-Office Boss
Excerpts from The Believer: Take the W: Collier
You Really Want to Start Skateboarding in Your Midthirties? Here Are Five Picks for Relaxing Outdoor Chairs Instead
Norse Mythology for Bostonians: Wayland the Smith Performs an Extreme Feat of True Finnish Sisu
What I Would Do If I Got Off the Roof of This Office Building and Were Elected President
If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Tried Being Funny
Concerning Local News Weather Team Promos
We Love the Character of this Neighborhood So We Bought a House, Tore It Down, and Built a Mansion Resembling a La Quinta Inn
Tomorrow’s Itinerary for the Geese in My Apartment Complex
A Nostalgic Reverie for My Youth, When I Wasn’t So Nostalgic All the Time
How to Respectfully Decline an Invitation to a Social Obligation You Simply Do Not Feel Like Attending
A Guide to Our Company’s Completely Reasonable Interview Process
Excerpts from The Believer: Take the W: Bodies
The Ghost of Hamlet’s Father Tries to Have “The Talk” with Hamlet
Trolley Problem Variations for Dads
Dad Jokes Ruined by Gentle Parenting
An OSHA Workplace Safety Checklist as Designed by Me, a Child Asked to Hold the Flashlight for My Father
An Open Letter to Martha-Ann Alito About Her New Pride Flag
Been There, Smelled That: The Bad Scents
Things to do in a Hotel Room After Your Child Falls Asleep at 7:30 p.m.
That’s the Grind, Baby, There Ain’t Nothing Like It
A Recap of the First Season of House of the Dragon in One Scene
You’ve Read Your Last Free Article, Such Is the Nature of Mortality
Short Conversations with Poets: Madeleine Cravens
At This Rate, I’ll Never Be Able to Start a Second Family
Do You Have What It Takes to Take a Summer Friday?
Excerpts from The Believer: Take the W: Business Moves
A Brief History of Time Travel
I Was the Wedding Planner for the Guns N’ Roses “November Rain” Ceremony and Reception
Reviews of New Food: 7-Eleven French Toast Sandwich with Sausage, Egg, Cheese and Chipotle-Bacon Mayonnaise Dressing
An Open Letter to the University Hiring Committee
We Are the Spiders of This House
Letters to Moms: Letter to the Virgin Mary
User Guide to the Relative Making You Do Tech Support
A Day in the Life of “Mister” Anthony Fauci, as Imagined by Marjorie Taylor Greene
We’re Having a Get-Together. Could You Bring Your Massive, Poorly Trained Dog?
Sorry Not Sorry: The Pope’s Contradictory Apology
Overheard at the Lesser-Known Dinosaurs Support Group
“Why I Am Still Voting for Donald Trump” Mad Libs
Excerpts from The Believer:: Take the W: Parker
HELP PROVE I DID NOTHING WRONG BY SENDING ME MONEY IMMEDIATELY
Every Conversation Between Every Parent and Their Child After One Year of College
Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Patient Portal
All My Exes Are Dating Each Other