By Daily Mail (U.S.) | Created at 2024-12-25 14:02:00 | Updated at 2024-12-26 01:51:07
12 hours ago
Dear Carla,
I fear my grown-up children are taking advantage of me. I feel like I am always expected to drop everything for them and if I don't, they tell me I don't love them, or they say that they will stop talking to me.
I once explained to my son, 28, that I couldn't look after my granddaughter because I had to work. He told me I should be thankful for the opportunity and that if I couldn't babysit then maybe they should cancel our granny-bubba dates. These take place every other Saturday afternoon and I cherish them so much.
Then there is my youngest daughter - she is 25 and always needs money. My eldest daughter, who is 32 and independent, says she is using me and I should cut her off, but I don't want to let her down.
She makes promises about paying me back but always asks for more money before the last debt is settled. She has a job so I really don't know where it all goes.
As for my eldest, who I just mentioned, she stands on her own two feet but I sense her frustration when I am unable to help her in the rare moments she needs it. It's not because I don't care; I'm just always juggling the other two and their problems.
I love my children so much but can't help but think I must have made some terrible mistakes along the way for them to act like this.
From, a confused mother.
Relationships with adult children can be difficult and confusing. Sometimes parents are unhelpful, but sometimes children take advantage of their kindness, says Dr Carla Marie Manly
Dear confused mother,
Relationships with adult children can be difficult and confusing. Sometimes parents are unhelpful, but sometimes children take advantage of their kindness.
You are definitely right about questioning the dynamics here. It isn't fair. Firm boundaries need to be put into place so that you don't feel taken advantage of.
You didn't mention this, but if any of those relationships are physically abusive then you need to cut them off immediately. You can work out how best to do that based on your situation, but it has to be done in a safe way.
Recognising emotional abuse
Now, in cases of emotional abuse - which is what this sounds like to me - you need to stand your ground. When your son tells you he will stop you from seeing your granddaughter if you don't do what he wants, or he accuses you of not loving him, this is clearly unacceptable behaviour.
It may be appropriate for you to take time out from the relationship so that you can feel safe and he can understand his behaviour is wrong.
You should repeat what he has said to you, then explain why it is emotionally abusive. End by saying you are taking a time-out and you will reconnect in a month.
Once you reconnect, explain your new rules of engagement clearly.
We do have to be careful here though; while physical, sexual and financial abuse are all pretty obvious, emotional abuse is a little more nuanced.
Just because someone is behaving poorly or isn't doing what you want them to do, it doesn't automatically constitute emotional abuse. But if someone is gaslighting you, belittling you, using vile names or threatening language, then it is.
When there is manipulation - and withholding access to grandchildren and saying things like 'you don't love me' is definitely manipulation - then we have strayed into abusive territory.
Explain why you are saying 'no'
Communication is needed, too. Perhaps your children don't know why you say no. So instead of saying, 'No, I can't babysit', try explaining the situation properly.
For example, 'I can't babysit on Thursday because it is a work day and I can't take time off on this occasion. I do care about you and my granddaughter but I need to work and I also need my downtime.
'I could watch her for a few hours in the evening if that's any help. I would be available after work from about six.'
By explaining yourself fully and calmly, they will understand you aren't saying no for no reason.
Establishing new boundaries - and sticking to them
People can take time to accept new boundaries. So, in a case like this where it is an old relationship with new rules, you will need to back yourself.
You can say that in the past you did not make clear what was and wasn't acceptable, but you have now realised you need to.
You can even let them know specifically why you need boundaries: 'Our relationship suffered', 'My work suffered', 'My mental health suffered.'
You can make it clear you are serious while also being willing to compromise.
For example, you can say: 'I am not taking a day off work to look after my grandchild, but I am happy to see how else I can help.'
If the manipulation and emotional abuse continues even after you have stated your needs clearly and suggested compromises, try another time-out.
If things don't improve, this may be the time to limit contact with your child. You can tell them you are doing so in order to protect yourself and your relationship.
Take time to work on yourself during those breaks and reflect on how you can help the relationship move forward, then follow it up with a proper sit-down conversation with your son and his spouse when you are ready.
It could be a month or a year down the track, depending on how many breaks you have had and how their pattern of emotional abuse has continued. When you sit down, restate your boundaries again, express how you felt when they treated you poorly, and let them know how you need to be treated going forward.
When generosity is taken advantage of
When it comes to your youngest daughter, the seriousness of the situation will depend on what level she is borrowing money.
Remember, it is your money: if you realise there is a pattern of leeching, then you need to bring it up with her.
Let her know you do expect her to pay you back and let her know your terms. You can say, 'I gave you $400 last week. Once you have paid that back we can talk about another loan'.
You have to teach her accountability.
Agreements are crucial when it comes to borrowing money. As her mother, you can say that you realise you didn't make clear any agreements about repayments in the past, but it starts today.
They might be angry, initially, and that's okay, so long as they are reacting in a safe way. But you shouldn't move your goal posts just to make them happy.
You can say, 'I see you are angry but I am looking after my financial wellbeing.'
If she continues to badger you for cash, then you will have to think about creating a rock-solid rule of no money-lending.
You may also need to put up walls if your daughter steals or spends money you lent her for a specific purpose on something else entirely. That's betraying your trust.
You should also consider the possibility the money you are lending could be for something unsavoury. If you suspect this is the case, it is perfectly okay to say she is no longer welcome in your home or you don't want to be around her.
It's a hard conversation to have, but you could simply say, 'I don't feel safe having you around and I need to work on building trust in our relationship again'.
In a case like this, the only contact you have could be over the phone. But it's vital to remember that whoever broke the trust is the one who needs to fix it.
Advice as given to FEMAIL by Dr Carla Marie Manly, attachment expert and psychologist and the author of The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships.
Dr Carla Marie Manly has been working as a psychologist for 20 years, has written four books and hosts the Imperfect Love podcast.
