By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-05 14:35:15 | Updated at 2026-09-05 16:12:20
1 hour ago
U.S. — As news broke that the murder trial of Lindsay Clancy would end in a mistrial, Heaven released a statement reminding everyone that justice is still ultimately in the hands of God.
"I know everyone's upset about this apparent miscarriage of justice, but don't worry. Justice is still in the hands of God," a heavenly spokesperson said. "Really, I wouldn't worry about it."
According to sources, the faithful were relieved to be reminded of God's sovereignty and felt the worry and stress from the trial fade away. The Lord was a refuge for the oppressed, they remembered, and close to the brokenhearted.
Senior Prosecutor Jeremy Spigot said, "Losing a case is always disappointing, but there's always one last appeal on Judgment Day."
Atheists rejected the statement outright, however, believing it to be a fabrication by some third world goat herder. "What does some bronze age shepherd know about law? This brings me no joy at all," said Willie Harrison, a local of Plymouth who had become quite invested in the trial. "Okay, I admit I saw a beam of light shine down from the heavens and turn into a flying scroll, which a disembodied voice then read aloud for everyone to hear in their own language. But that could have been anything."
At publishing time, defense attorneys implored Lindsay Clancy to repent and seek forgiveness in Christ before it was too late.
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