Cardinal Dolan rang in St. Patrick’s Day with a breakfast where the jokes — and liquor — were flowing

Feeding the marching souls

Ireland. Doesn’t come up a lot in conversation — but be it known Halloween was invented in Ireland.

So His Eminence, Timothy Cardinal Dolan invited a few of the faithful for breakfast before the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Although he loves New York and New York loves him, not a huge crowd. Maybe only four leprechauns are still left in Galway.

Due to the country’s tax breaks it’s like the 51st state. Kill that and in 15 minutes the whole green country turns into the Sahara. It’s where Guinness came from in the 1700s. And where in the 2025s many a stomach carries it.

His Eminence — new robes due to his loss of weight — worked his downstairs dining room, reception room and waiting room. Many invitees wore green. Cobbled together the few hundred or so looked like the Pine Barrens in the Hamptons.

I couldn’t get down on my knees for the St. Pat’s Mass. Isn’t because I’m not respectful — but because I’d never be able to get back up.

So I did the only intelligent thing. I brought His Eminence jokes: God heals and doctors take the fees.

My friend’s Catholic. His mother’s an atheist. When he goes to confession he brings his lawyer along. Vegas is a religious city. Hit any casino and you’ll hear someone say, “Oh, my God.”

Priests so far have the lowest divorce rate.

Union officials have one thing against our Maker. He worked a six-day week.

Churchgoers believe in miracles. Nongoers put their faith in the lottery.

And: Jezebel was to be pitied not censured. Heard in my pew: “I’ve prayed for her for years — but I never got her.”

“A meeting’s coming on Mt. Sinai. I need material.” Fisherman: “Thou shalt not kill. Or Thou shalt not steal.” Answer: “No! How often have I told you I can’t use one-liners.”

Known for frugality, there’s the story of O’Shaughnessy walking home carrying a pint of scotch. A passing bike rider accidentally knocked him down. Feeling a liquid trickle down his leg, he exclaimed, “Oh, I hope that’s blood.”

Off on a side of the Cardinal’s dining room a table had been set up for liquor . . . listen, it was 9:40 a.m. While I waited for my cardboard cup of coffee a guest told me about his favorite bar where an Irishman asked, “What’s with the sawdust on the floor?” and the bartender answered: “Not sawdust — that’s yesterday’s furniture.”

And the limericks: There was a young lady of Kent/Who said that she knew what it meant/When men asked her to dine/And gave her cocktails and wine/She knew what it meant/But off she went.

One word about our blessed Cardinal. He worked the room. Took time with every invitee, each of whom were given armbands to signify their invitation. He went to every person, shook each hand. The Catholic Church is our world’s largest: 1.39 billion members. And Timothy Cardinal Dolan takes time for each — a laugh, a willing ear, a good word, a pat on the back, a smile or joke or good word for every person.

So: To show you I’m not highbrow/I’ll try this myself so you’ll know how/And if this doesn’t work/You can say I’m a jerk/But the fact is I gotta go now.

Thanks for reading this far. And happy yesterday’s St. Patrick’s Day and I hope to see you all at His Eminence’s next jammed dining room.

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.