By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-04 17:35:11 | Updated at 2026-09-04 18:17:20
42 minutes ago
CHICAGO, IL — A fifth-grade teacher at Lincoln Elementary reportedly admonished her classroom on Thursday, asking the kids to please raise their hands to be called on instead of firing pistols into the air.
Gun violence is nothing new in Chicago, but when it happens in the classroom, it can be very hard for children to pay attention to their studies.
"Please raise your hands instead of firing your guns, or I can't hear your questions!" Ms. Hanover said before threatening to fire her own gun to get everyone's attention. "This is a classroom, not the seedy alley outside!"
According to sources, Ms. Hanover was not able to get the children immediately under control and was forced to engage in an elaborate Mexican standoff before anyone would submit to her authority.
"You think I won't shoot you? Don't test me! King Kong ain't got nothing on me!" she reportedly shouted. "I have tenure!"
The fifth-grade class was not an isolated incident, however. Multiple classrooms suffer from improper gun use on the premises. Kindergartners, in particular, don't even know basic gun safety and will fire their weapons throughout the day regardless of whether they're trying to ask a question.
Lincoln Elementary Principal Robert Mason said, "It's a real problem, but it's a problem of classroom management. Our kids just need proper guidance. They need someone who can look past the guns and into the heart of a child who, deep down, really just wants to learn about polynomials. Also, it helps if they wear a Kevlar vest."
At publishing time, Lincoln Elementary School was closed pending an investigation of reports of shots being fired.
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