By Daily Mail (U.S.) | Created at 2025-01-10 17:14:07 | Updated at 2025-01-10 21:21:34
4 hours ago
Q I’m a man in my late 40s and I’m an alcoholic, although I have been sober for ten years. Occasionally I go for drinks after work with colleagues, more duty than pleasure. I always have a soft drink and make the excuse that I have to drive from the station (I don’t). They just about accept this, but there is definitely a drinking culture.
However, matters came to a head at a recent work event in the run-up to Christmas when the pressure from colleagues was immense. I kept declining drinks until one of them said jokingly, ‘Are you an alcoholic?’ I was caught off guard and went silent. I’m sure he realised he’d hit the nail on the head and since then things have been awkward.
He later apologised for embarrassing me but I now can’t shake the feeling that my colleagues are talking about me in a negative way.
Occasionally I go for drinks after work with colleagues, more duty than pleasure
A The only person who should be embarrassed is the man who made the comment and your colleagues for their behaviour. It’s disgraceful to pressure someone to drink when they don’t want to – especially if driving is involved.
People might talk about you when the subject comes up, but it will soon be forgotten. Some of your colleagues may even be sympathetic. And if they are making negative remarks, then shame on them.
However, it sounds as if you feel ashamed of yourself and this is what you need to work on. It takes courage to overcome an addiction, so try to be kinder to yourself and proud of what you have achieved. Of course, there’s a time and a place for everything, but sometimes ‘owning’ a problem – acknowledging that it happened – rather than keeping a secret can lessen the feelings of shame.
Do I have to choose between my boyfriend and my family?
Q I have been with my boyfriend for four years. Not long after we met, I moved several hundred miles to live with him because he wanted to be near his widowed mother, who was very ill. I fitted work around helping him and his sister look after her before she died.
The plan was that he would eventually move to my home town, nearer to my adult children and elderly parents. My mother is not well and my father is increasingly in need of help. I feel it is my boyfriend’s turn to stand by me and I have asked him if we can move back north to where I still own a house.
However, he then said that he can’t face looking after a second person who is dying as it would be too painful. I told him that I helped him with his mother and think his attitude is selfish. He now says that he could never move away because of his job and friends. His work is flexible and not office-based for the large part, so he could easily move if he wanted to. I am upset because I feel that he isn’t willing to support me when I need it. I am wondering if it is worth continuing the relationship, but I would be lonely without him.
A It must be upsetting for you to be so torn. Perhaps your boyfriend should be given some leeway, as there will be validity in the feeling that it is too painful for him to go through another death. Even so, you gave him support when he needed it, and it’s disappointing that he isn’t willing to offer the same in return.
There does appear to be some selfishness in his attitude. I suspect that he may never be willing to move. Long-distance relationships can be problematic. Elderly parents getting sick many miles away is often a crunch point. This might not be the right time to make decisions because you are both dealing with grief – his now and yours to come. So you could try moving to your home town without your boyfriend for a while, and see each other when you can.
You haven’t mentioned love, so perhaps some space will help you gauge the depth of your feelings for him, and work out whether you are keeping the relationship because of a fear of loneliness. Sadly, you might later have to choose between him and being near your children and parents – both might not be possible. At the back of your mind you might fear that he doesn’t love you enough to make sacrifices for the relationship, so you need to ask him for an honest answer. However, your life should not be just about caring for your parents. You need to have a social life, too – and to see your children a lot – if you move back. You would both benefit from contacting Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) to help with bereavement. And try Age UK (ageuk.org.uk) for advice on getting support for your parents.
