DEAR JANE: I hate my son's 'ugly' girlfriend... and what she's done to him

Dear Jane,

My youngest son is 21 years old and recently introduced us to his girlfriend. He met her on a dating app and they've been seeing each other for about three months.

He's completely obsessed with her and never comes home from college on weekends anymore because he chooses to visit her instead.

This wouldn't bother me as much if I actually liked her, but unfortunately, I do not.

She is rude and spoiled. She talks down to waiters when we go out to dinner and never thanks me and my husband for paying for her meals or letting her stay with us (on the rare occasion she allows them to come to our house rather than hers).

Not only do I find her to be ugly on the inside, I also think the way she presents herself is unattractive.

She cakes on so much makeup. In fact, I've never seen her without a full face of makeup - including fake eyelashes (even at the breakfast table at 7 am).

The clothes she wears never fail to shock me. Her outfits usually consist of tiny skirts and push-up bras, even when we are going to nice restaurants or family gatherings. I've had to bite my tongue several times when she shows up with her midriff out and cleavage showing.

Besides the fact that I don't like her or think she is worthy of my son — she is also a bad influence on him. Ever since they started dating, his grades have slipped and he has given up on extra-curriculars, like playing lacrosse and volunteering at the dog shelter, to spend time with her instead.

If I don't speak up now, I fear I will regret it further down the line, but would it be overstepping to voice my dislike to my son?

From,

Mama's Boy

Dear Mama's Boy,

As any mother of a 21-year-old knows, they're bound to make decisions that we do not approve of.

You may think you know what's best for your son (and you probably do) but there are some things in life that one needs to find out for themselves. 

While you see clearly all the ways in which his girlfriend is terrible, I would suggest you keep your mouth firmly shut and let him realize her flaws by himself.

Yes, let this relationship run its natural course. Frankly, it's unlikely that your son's current beau will be 'the one', given his tender age.

But by telling him that she is not worthy, saying you disapprove of her clothing and manners, or interfering in their relationship risk alienating him from you. 

Trust me, this is the last thing you want. Instead, try and embrace this relationship... while it lasts. 

Certainly, talk to him about his slipping grades and ask how you can support him in focusing more on school work.  But other than that, there's not much you can do - or should.

This won't be the first time that you experience such powerlessness.  As our children become adults, they inevitably make more of their own decisions. That's healthy. 

As much as we want to shelter them from mistakes and disappointment, there's no better teacher than life itself.

The most loving thing that we can do (sometimes_ is allow them to fail. This is the only way they learn the hard lessons that teach resilience, and how to get back up after a fall without the helping hand of mom and dad.