By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-17 19:35:17 | Updated at 2026-09-17 20:11:03
36 minutes ago
EPHRAIM — With his marriage to former prostitute Gomer off to a rocky start, the prophet Hosea began to seriously regret his decision to forego premarital counseling.
Hosea had married Gomer at the command of the Lord, to be a sign of God's incredible mercy in the face of humanity's spiritual infidelity. However, Hosea quickly realized that given the unique circumstance of a prophet marrying a prostitute, a bit of premarital counseling would have been wise.
"There were a few small issues we probably should have talked through," said Hosea. "In retrospect, there were some things I wish we would have been on the same page about: finances, communication styles, not abandoning me repeatedly and selling yourself into slavery. Plus, there's all the whoring. I just figured we'd work through the little stuff as it came up. Boy, did it come up."
In an effort to better communicate love, Hosea reportedly purchased The Five Love Languages, but could not find a chapter on purchasing your wife back with six ounces of silver and nine bushels of barley. "It didn't have on that list of love languages 'buying your wife back out of slavery brought on by prostitution,'" said Hosea. "Maybe they'll add that to the next edition. Missed opportunity, not chatting through some of this ahead of time."
At publishing time, Hosea and Gomer's new marriage counselor admitted that this situation might be a first for him.
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