By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-25 16:15:17 | Updated at 2026-09-25 16:53:56
40 minutes ago
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A federal judge has overturned President Donald Trump's ban on assassins being allowed into the White House.
Trump had directed administration officials to start barring would-be killers from White House grounds, but U.S. District Judge Timothy Kelly ruled against the ban, ordering Trump to immediately restore full access to all assassins.
"The President has no authority to selectively bar certain people from the White House simply because they want to kill him," wrote Kelly. "All people, regardless of murderous intent, have equal rights to enter the White House unimpeded. Effective today, the White House must grant full and unrestricted access to all assassins, as well as providing weapons to any who may have accidentally left theirs at home."
The Trump administration filed an immediate appeal, arguing that the Constitution allows for barring those actively trying to kill the president. "We are not differentiating access based on skin color, beliefs, disability, anything like that. It's purely based on whether or not you're trying to assassinate someone," said White House counsel Will Scharf. "There is clear legal precedent for saying that people brandishing firearms yelling, 'I'm going to kill Trump,' can be denied access to the presidential residence. We look forward to seeing this ruling reversed on appeal."
At publishing time, the ACLU had filed a lawsuit on behalf of a gun-wielding disabled assassin who had been denied a wheelchair by Secret Service.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn't doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee's Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
