By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-10-17 17:20:13 | Updated at 2026-10-17 18:20:20
1 hour ago
TOPEKA, KS — Vexed by the high price of gasoline, local man Aaron Barnett decided to cast his vote for America to start castrating kids again.
"I've had it with these high gas prices! Let's start back with the chopping kids' balls off," shouted Barnett, seeing how much his tank of gas cost. "I'm spending half of my paycheck every week just to be able to drive to work. It's ridiculous. I'm going to vote we mutilate some kids."
With the affordability squeeze in America reaching crisis levels for many, millions feel the best solution is to pump children full of sex hormones. "We need a new direction. How about going back to butchering kids' bodies until they kill themselves or others?" said Texas man Mackenzie Townsend. "
Surveys showed many Americans would like to have the option of a party that would be against both inflation and child mutilation. The country's political elite, hearing the survey results, chuckled heartily.
At publishing time, the nation's children had agreed that toys being expensive was bad, but asked if maybe no one would cut off their body parts.
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