By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-10 16:55:14 | Updated at 2026-09-10 17:44:07
51 minutes ago
U.S. — The people of the United States were reportedly reconsidering the longstanding legal tradition of trial by a jury of peers after the revelation that most peers are abject morons.
Recent public interviews demonstrated that many of these so-called peers are dim-witted imbeciles who cannot be trusted to make a ham sandwich, much less decide a criminal case.
"It has come to our attention that our peers are very, very stupid," said local man Dennis Prough. "There may have been a time in our nation's history when most of our citizens were not fatuous dunces with the collective IQ of a cabbage. If it ever was so, that time has passed. I do not believe these 'peers' are capable of making prudent decisions in weighty matters of the law. I do not think they are even capable of opening a bag of potato chips."
In lieu of the current system, citizens proposed that juries be composed of those who are capable of answering certain basic questions, such as "Is murder bad?"
"While we do not want to remove the democratic nature of legal proceedings and hand it to the state, we're starting to think there should be some basic qualifications to serve on a jury. Such as, perhaps, being able to think," said local woman Betsy Masters. "It's becoming harder to trust that the legal system will do the right thing when the people making life and death decisions have less brain power than a raw eggplant."
At publishing time, the nation had also proposed that these basic qualifications also be applied to holding public office.
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