By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-12 17:00:20 | Updated at 2025-03-12 22:03:28
5 hours ago
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an unprecedented move intended to protect one of the league's most valuable commodities, the NBA announced that it would allow LeBron James to play inside a giant hamster ball so other players can't touch him.
Sources indicated that concerns had risen regarding James's safety after experts noticed an increase in incidents of him being violently knocked to the ground by the mere nearby presence of other players, leading to league officials deciding that extra protection was needed.
"Putting LeBron in a protective bubble is in the league's best interest," said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. "We've all seen him go tumbling to the floor multiple times every game, and at his age, that's dangerous. LeBron is a critical part of the NBA's revenue and marketability, so if he wants to avoid physical contact with other players, we need to accommodate that. This giant hamster ball will protect both LeBron and the NBA's bottom line."
Los Angeles Lakers Coach JJ Redick agreed with the decision. "LeBron is not to be touched," he told reporters after James's first practice in the hamster ball. "He's a superstar, but he's very fragile. He can't be bothered with any physical contact, so being inside the hamster ball will ensure he doesn't end up getting hurt. All those peasant players don't deserve to touch LeBron, anyway. He's royalty. Hands off."
Team insiders said the coaching staff was still trying to figure out how to actually get the basketball into James's hands with him enclosed in the hamster ball.
At publishing time, James had assured the team that he would still be able to dramatically flop on the ground to draw phantom foul calls from inside the ball.
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