By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-01-08 21:50:24 | Updated at 2025-01-09 11:54:57
14 hours ago
U.S. — After surveying tens of thousands of men, researchers at the University of Boston have concluded that the deepest desire of every man is to have an enormous map with little soldiers and tanks on it that they can move around with sticks.
Though men expressed other significant desires, such as having children or producing meaningful work, the yearning to push small army men around on a map outstripped all others.
"Man has no greater longing, apparently," said lead researcher Dr. Jorgen Dopslauf. "All he wants is a roof over his head and a stick for arranging his tank battalions on a huge map. No other thought consumes man quite like this one."
According to the research, men spend several hours each day considering what room they could put a map in, where to get the best stick, and how to initially arrange his soldiers. "Most often, when a man is quiet at dinner, he is considering how best to protect the flanks of his little model army," explained Dopslauf. "When you see him rearranging the food on his plate with a fork, it is but a glimmer of the greatest passion of his soul: to arrange miniature army men on a continental map with a stick."
At publishing time, the researchers had announced that the cure to male loneliness was, in fact, getting together with the boys each week to push legions around with a long stick.
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