By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-09 15:40:18 | Updated at 2026-09-09 16:42:48
1 hour ago
With millions of Americans struggling to understand how the Lindsay Clancy jury came within a hair's breadth of finding the self-confessed murderer "not guilty", The Babylon Bee investigative team set to work. We interviewed all twelve jurors about the case, and here is what each one had to say:
Juror #1: "It just seemed so wrong to judge someone on her worst day. What about the majority of days where she didn't strangle her kids?"
Juror #2: "I just went by Jesus's words, you know, where he said 'judge not' and then he just stopped talking and said nothing more."
Juror #3: "SHE WAS SAD! SHE COULDN'T HELP IT! SCREW ALL MEN I HATE MY FATHER AAAAA!!!"
Juror #4: "Oh, that was the Lindsay Clancy case?! I was in the wrong courtroom the whole time!"
Juror #5: "Huurrrrr-durrrrr. Hurrrrrr."
Juror #6: "Obviously she committed murder, but my wife told me I can't vote guilty or hang out with my friends or pee standing up."
Juror #7: "That's chowdah! Chowdah!"
Juror #8: "What I wouldn't give to strangle that man who held out."
Juror #9: "As an abortion doctor, I'm still not seeing the problem here."
Juror #10: "I am Groot." (Groot was on the jury, apparently)
Juror #11: "That was a hidden camera show, right? Like, there's no way all these people are this insane."
Juror #12: "THE BAD MAN WOULDN'T SAY NOT GUILTY PURELY BECAUSE LINDSAY KILLED HER KIDS! WHERE IS MY WINE MY PRECIOUS WINE?!"
Insightful stuff! We can only imagine what the deliberations between these twelve luminaries must have been like.
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