By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2024-12-17 18:35:22 | Updated at 2024-12-17 22:54:18
4 hours ago
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Biden administration faced its fiercest wave of criticism yet with even the president's most ardent supporters wondering if he had gone too far, as Biden issued a full pardon for all bicyclists.
With only five weeks remaining until he leaves office, President Biden has continued to stir up controversy by pardoning thousands of felons and individuals accused of wrongdoings, and while the pardon he gave to his son, Hunter, drew backlash, many analysts saw his latest pardon of bicyclists as the last straw.
"He clearly didn't think this through with any regard for civilized decency," said one White House insider. "We tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted on pardoning all bicyclists. From his standpoint, it doesn't matter how unpopular he is. He's leaving office next month, and pardoning cyclists is an obvious sign that he's going scorched earth on his way out."
Biden briefly addressed the pardon with reporters this morning. "Listen, folks, it's time to turn the page on the crimes committed by bicyclists," he said. "While I'm well aware of the horrific actions and despicable behavior perpetrated by cyclists on a daily basis, they all deserve another chance. That's why I'm… from now on… every… all of the… all six hundred million billion… million… all bicyclists are officially pardoned for all past offenses. And that's… that's the… the thing. Marfinvernate."
At publishing time, angry bipartisan mobs were reportedly already forming in all major U.S. cities to protest the pardon, with President-elect Donald Trump issuing a statement vowing to deport all bicyclists the day he's inaugurated.
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