By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-16 20:45:16 | Updated at 2026-09-16 21:23:49
42 minutes ago
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, the on-orbit space control weapon revealed on Monday by U.S. military officials was apparently a little triangle that shoots bullets out the front.
"This is a highly specialized weapon capable of shooting different-sized asteroids," one Pentagon source explained. "Small asteroids. Large asteroids. You name it."
The little triangle was reportedly an evolution of the original Boeing X-37B, designed with cosmic space patrol in mind. It requires expert pilot skills to navigate, as it's equipped only with a forward thrust that must be constantly redirected to avoid crashing into asteroids. Sources say this was a cost-cutting measure.
"This little triangle will lead the way in space combat," General Douglas A. Schiess, Chief of Space Operations, said. "We can tell you no one has a little triangle that fires bullets out the front in orbit right now, not even China."
According to Space Force officials, the little triangle is state-of-the-art and capable of flying in at least two different dimensions. It can also carry a near-infinite number of missiles, though only four can be fired at once.
At publishing time, the U.S. Space Force announced that it had recalled the little triangle after it had discovered a giant living skull-ship known as the Sinistar that eats little triangles.
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