Unscriptural Hymn Unfortunately A Banger

IRVINE, CA — The elders of the United Reformed Church of Irvine made the devastating discovery Sunday that an unscriptural hymn, entirely inappropriate for corporate worship on the Lord's Day, was unfortunately quite a banger.

The crisis began during the evening song service when deacon Daniel Farmer led a rousing adaptation of The Battle Hymn of the Republic, accompanied by the pipe organ. Within the first few lines, several elders grew increasingly agitated as the lyrics transformed the American Civil War into the Book of Revelation and the Union Army into the apocalyptic Second Coming of the Lord.

"Oh man, this tune is a real toe-tapper," said a visibly conflicted elder Philip Van Horn at the emergency congregational meeting that followed. "I couldn't even stop myself from stomping along to that song's wildly unsound application of scriptural imagery to American history."

"Yes, even though that chorus of ‘Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!' hits like a cavalry charge into the Confederate lines, it is my solemn duty to report that the worship committee has ordered that the page containing the offending hymn be ripped from every hymnal in the building."

The elders reaffirmed their commitment to biblical worship that gives the 150 Psalms the predominant place, and to songs that faithfully reflect the teaching of Scripture as summarized in the Three Forms of Unity.

"But just to be clear," Van Horn added at the close of the meeting, "we do not want anyone getting the wrong idea that we support the Confederacy either."

At publishing time, the worship committee had expanded the ban to include "Silent Night" after determining that the line about "radiant beams from Thy holy face" made it sound like radioactive laser beams were shooting out of the Christ child, and "Just As I Am" because it is essentially an Arminian altar call set to music.

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