By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-23 21:10:18 | Updated at 2026-09-23 21:59:27
55 minutes ago
Brought to you by: Equipping The Persecuted
The Bible tells us that when you're a Christian, things can get pretty rough — especially in countries other than the United States. Thankfully, there are some amazing rewards in store for believers who suffer for the Gospel.
Here is an exclusive list of some top-notch rewards waiting in Heaven for people who are persecuted for Christ:
Unlimited Pasta Pass: And you had better believe that the pasta bar in Heaven is WAY better than Olive Garden.
Lightsaber: That persecution definitely seems worth it.
You get to inflict one plague on a city of your choice: Look out, New York!
Your voice in Heaven will sound just like James Earl Jones: Sweet.
Free tickets to David's harp concert: Plus a backstage pass!
Lunch with Mitch McConnell: He's already been there for a long time.
Blue Shell Immunity in Mario Kart for all eternity: Makes those LAN parties with the disciples a lot more fun.
Free pie: Who doesn't love free pie?
A copy of Carman's The Standard CD: Autographed by the man himself!
Subscription to The Babylon Bee: Next to seeing the face of God, this has to be one of the top perks.
Those are some serious rewards — plus eternal life, no less. If you have your own suggestions for what persecuted Christians should look forward to in eternity, post them in the comments below.
NOT SATIRE: If you read The Babylon Bee, you are used to stories that sound unbelievable. What is happening to Christians in Nigeria sounds unbelievable too — but this is not satire.
In 2026 alone, 4,216 Christians have been killed in Nigeria, representing approximately 76% of Christian deaths worldwide. Villages are attacked, families are murdered, children are kidnapped for ransom, and Christian communities live knowing they could be next.
That is why Equipping The Persecuted exists.
ETP has built boots-on-the-ground infrastructure across Nigeria to respond when Christians are attacked — and increasingly, to stop attacks before they happen.
This year, ETP has provided medical support to more than 50,000 displaced people, supported more than 3,000 widows, paid medical expenses for more than 150 wounded attack victims, strengthened security in vulnerable communities, built security towers, and trained 1,000 pastors.
Our early-warning network also tracks terrorist activity and alerts communities before attacks, with an accuracy rate above 90%.
Christians deserve more than sympathy after another massacre. They deserve someone working to keep them alive.
Please become a monthly partner with Equipping The Persecuted today.
We cannot be satisfied with counting the dead.
We have to protect the living.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn't doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee's Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
