By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-08-19 21:20:16 | Updated at 2026-08-19 21:30:32
14 minutes ago
HAPPY VALLEY, PA — After being caught in a sting by the FBI, Penn State University drug kingpin Agostino Abbatiello began wondering if perhaps taking the moniker "Pablo Pledgescobar" might have been a mistake.
Abbatiello, who reportedly forced fraternity pledges to pack and transport kilos of cocaine as part of their initiation, felt that the "Pablo Pledgescobar" nickname may have tipped off the authorities.
"I can see, given the benefit of hindsight, how that wasn't very smart," said Abbatiello. "It was just so catchy, I couldn't help myself. 'Pledgescobar'. So darn clever. Still, in retrospect, that probably gave the FBI a bit of a clue what I was doing. Probably should have gone with something slightly more non-descript, like 'Steve.'"
Abbatiello now faces several felony charges for his leadership of a sprawling cocaine trafficking operation housed within the Penn State University fraternity program. "We initially became suspicious when we saw a $20,000 Venmo transfer to a 'Pablo Pledgescobar' for a snow emoji," said FBI agent Mark Hamilton. "Our team started monitoring the fraternity house, where several packages arrived for an 'Austin Powders.' It didn't take long for us to put the pieces together."
At publishing time, Abbatiello's co-defendant Tom Robinson had begin to regret adopting the nickname "El Chapo Sigma Phi."
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