By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-18 20:35:23 | Updated at 2025-03-20 17:45:59
1 day ago
Brought to you by: RevelationMedia
While eternity with the Lord is the true reward, in the back of everyone's minds, they're thinking about how big their mansion is going to be. The truth is, the biggest mansions in Heaven are set aside for people you might not expect.
The Babylon Bee has conducted extensive research to compile the following list of the recipients of the heavenly mansions:
Loyal Chicago White Sox fans: Great is their suffering, but great is their reward.
Bandit Heeler: The greatest earthly father of all time will one day get what he deserves.
Ethel, the cranky old lady who taught 3-year-olds in Sunday school for 6 decades: In truth, she should probably get a mansion for each kid.
Dennis's mother-in-law: Imagine dealing with his abuse all these years.
Kirk Cameron: Surprisingly, it's for Growing Pains, not all the Christian films.
Crazy Bob, the insane hobo who waves a "REPENT" sign around on a street corner 14 hours a day: He's actually done more evangelizing than 99% of Christians.
Laura Carrot: Bob and Larry are receiving their reward here on Earth.
Juanita, a poor lady in Peru who raised 9 kids on her own and faithfully took them to church every week: But, by all means, keep complaining about how difficult your life is.
John, the elderly man with crippling arthritis who showed up every Sunday wearing a suit and made his way via walker to the front row: No handicap accessibility needed where he's going.
Everyone who forwarded those chain emails about Jesus back in the '90s: Don't be shocked, it was clearly explained in the instructions.
Don't feel bad if you didn't make the list, we can't all be this saintly. Is there anyone else you think should make the top 10? List them in the comments below.
NOT SATIRE: Watch Barnabas and Paul Free Online!
Travel back in history to experience the unlikely friendship of two prominent figures of the Bible with the new film Barnabas and Paul from RevelationMedia and RedeemTV. Featuring interviews with Biblical and historical scholars as well as reenactments of Paul and Barnabas' lives filmed in the locations where these apostles lived and worked, this documentary explores the profound impact Barnabas had on Paul's life and his journey to spread the gospel. Click here to watch this incredible story of forgiveness, worldwide ministry, and friendship online for free through RevelationMedia, or to donate to support RevelationMedia and receive a DVD copy of Barnabas and Paul to encourage you and your family in your faith.
This is a 100% accurate depiction of how the best experts designed the legendary USDA Food Pyramid.
