By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-06-23 21:05:20 | Updated at 2026-06-23 21:55:06
54 minutes ago
MOUNT SINAI — In light of continued encouragement that the Israelites would enter a land "flowing with milk and honey," one local Reubenite, later identified as Dathan son of Eliab, decided he should probably keep quiet about the fact that he doesn't particularly care for milk or honey.
The promise of a land flowing with milk and honey, as conveyed by the Lord through the prophet Moses, was reportedly meant to be encouraging to the Israelites, but Dathan just didn't see it the same way.
"I'm just not a fan, honestly," Dathan said, wishing he were back in Egypt where he could observe a paleo diet consisting of fried locusts and dates. "I'm lactose intolerant for one thing, and honey is just so sticky. It attracts ants, you know."
It was a series of strange looks from his fellow Israelites that convinced him to shut up about the whole thing, sources said. Friends and family admonished him for being ungrateful and for taking Moses way too literally.
"It's just a metaphor," explained Oholiab, a craftsman. "Chillax, bro."
But witnesses said such explanations just made Dathan sigh and shake his head, convinced that they just didn't get it.
"Everyone's just so excited for this 'land flowing with milk and honey,' and I couldn't be less interested," Dathan said. "Honestly, I kind of like the desert. It's a dry heat."
At publishing time, after learning their journey to the land could be delayed significantly due to disobedience, Dathan decided to pressure Aaron, the brother of Moses, into building a cool golden calf.
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