By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-29 21:40:21 | Updated at 2026-09-29 22:27:13
48 minutes ago
CASTLEWOOD, SD — Former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem filed for divorce this week, with legal experts expecting her to receive half of her husband's bras in the settlement.
Legal precedent for divorce in South Dakota maintains that Mr. Noem's brassieres are common law property, and so will be equally divided between the two upon completion of the separation.
"This is a fairly straightforward question of spousal 'support,' as it were," said one attorney familiar with the case. "Mrs. Noem is entitled to half of the lingerie, and not just the right or left half. Both parties will have to work together to see who each asset is, at the end of the day, the best fit for."
Sources close to the proceedings said the couple had reached an agreement on most of their possessions, but negotiations broke down after both claimed a particular black bra that fit both parties just right. A proposed arrangement under which they would alternate weekends with it was rejected.
"It's clearly better on Bryon," argued Mr. Noem's attorney. "No objective person could look at this and say it's a better fit on Kristi. It's patently absurd. Black is totally his color."
At publishing time, Mr. Noem had offered to surrender the entire collection in exchange for full custody of the family's dog to ensure its safety.
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