By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-05 14:15:13 | Updated at 2026-09-05 15:22:11
1 hour ago
WASHINGTON, D.C. — American voters overwhelmingly passed a federal ballot initiative yesterday ordering the removal of Massachusetts from the United States.
The measure, which passed with a 94% majority, instructs federal authorities to sever the commonwealth's borders and gently set the landmass adrift into international waters.
"The country realized enough stupid news had come out of the state and it really couldn't handle any more of it," said Federal Bureau of Land Management spokesman Arthur Pendelton said. "We thought about launching it into the sun, but it felt like a lot of work. This should do the trick."
Under the terms of the vote, all state infrastructure, historical monuments, and residents will be disconnected from the mainland and nudged two miles eastward into the Atlantic. "Honestly, we had it coming," Massachusetts resident Katie Smith admitted. "We've sort of dropped the ball over here. I can't be mad about it."
At publishing time, federal workers had installed a chowder pipeline so as to not disrupt the supply chain for the nation's clam chowder.
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