By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-21 18:40:16 | Updated at 2026-09-21 19:36:51
58 minutes ago
EARTH — Noah's wife came up topside on the ark this morning to dry out laundry, only to catch Noah once again trying to huck the cats overboard.
"NOAH! You put Mittens down RIGHT THIS INSTANT," shouted Noah's wife.
Witnesses said Noah froze mid-throw, holding the cat just inches from the railing. Slowly, he set the cat down, sighing.
"What do you think you're doing, trying to off some of the animals?" asked Noah's wife, hands on her hips.
"For the last time, these aren't animals. They are DEMONS, woman. Demons!" said Noah. "All night long, they just stare at you while you're asleep. They're plotting your doom, I tell you. They were never meant to be on this boat."
According to Noah's family, the patriarch has made several attempts to hurl the ark's feline population overboard. Only the day before, Noah's sons had caught their father attempting to lure the cats onto a small raft using a dead fish.
"Dad! You can't murder the cats. God was very explicit about this," said Noah's sons.
"It's not murder if they have a boat," Noah explained.
At publishing time, Noah had reportedly asked God if maybe he could leave cats out of this new rainbow covenant.
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