By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-03 18:40:13 | Updated at 2026-09-03 19:13:35
33 minutes ago
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth set up a lemonade stand by the Reflecting Pool in order to raise money to allow the military to purchase more missiles.
Though concerns have mounted over the military's dwindling supply of interceptor missiles, Hegseth assured the public that his lemonade stand would quickly resolve the issue.
"Fresh-squeezed lemonade! Help us buy a Patriot missile!" called Hegseth to passersby. "We're just four million cups of lemonade away from a missile. Made with all-natural ingredients. RFK insisted. Every refreshing purchase gets us closer to our goal!"
In addition to lemonade, Hegseth's stand was also offering a selection of baked goods made by various members of the administration. "We've got Pete's Pastries, Marco's Macaroons," explained Hegseth to a customer. "Kennedy's Kangaroo Bites. Don't know how he got those. Two Scott's Scones, eh? Great! Would you like to round up to help defend Guam?"
At publishing time, Hegseth had announced that the fundraiser had already brought in $846, putting the Pentagon just $3,999,154 away from purchasing its first missile.
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