RON HART: A Gentleman’s Guide to Asian Massage Parlors

In my pastoral hometown of Columbia, Tennessee, exists the newly gerrymandered Tennessee 5th Congressional District. The race between Democratic Columbia Mayor Chaz Molder and Republican former Agriculture Commissioner Charlie Hatcher has drawn unwanted attention following a police investigation of an Asian massage parlor.

The parlor was called the “Red Fruit Spa,” named after what afflicted men two days after a visit.

A trust-funded Democrat and, to a much lesser degree, a religious-right Republican’s ex-staffer were involved, and a lot of government agencies. As a libertarian, for me, this is a quintessential “happy ending.”

First, let me say if there is ever any underage human trafficking, the hammer should come down. But the two handmaidens arrested were ages 46 and 58. They had aged out of Nike factory work in China and were not likely to be forced laborers. (RELATED: DHS Unveils Biggest-Ever Uyghur Forced Labor Blacklist)

Columbia Police, working with state and federal agencies, executed search warrants for a massage place in a strip mall. Yes, warrants and agencies are both very plural.

With all the murders, robberies, and assaults solved in a state that houses Memphis and Nashville, this “multi-agency task force” met for months to plan this caper. Unlike the massage parlor ladies, one hand did not know what the other hand was doing.

I like to see a real victim, like a death, when five agencies investigate. Like when a decapitated body was found at a NYC strip club, which led to one of my top ten favorite headlines of all time: “Headless Woman Found in Topless Bar.”

Tennessee has a solid history of massage mishaps. Jim Haslam’s Cleveland Browns’ overpaid QB Deshaun Watson misjudged legit massages as a rub-and-tug, leading to his 11-game suspension. Even worse, he had to serve the suspension in Cleveland.

Al Gore won an Oscar for Best Documentary, scaring us about nothing. Even after allegations of him dropping his towel during a real massage reared its ugly head, Hollywood rallied behind the leftie, nominating him for Best Animated Short.

I feel sorry for the 98 percent of massage places that will lose business over this. A massage is not necessarily sex. But a massage is certainly potentially a gateway preamble to trouble. This will send a chill to the mostly legit massage places. Massages can be a very therapeutic, relaxing endeavor — and a terrific icebreaker in prison.

Massage parlors employ all types. They look for people with experience in woodworking, and perhaps poll watchers unemployed in off cycles — any woman with hands-on experience. And with inflation and tariffs, these women can only ‘‘love you medium time now.”

A guy I used to play golf with was a carpet salesman. An easy job: 90 percent of carpet is beige, and all you have to remember is that the furry side goes up. So he had lots of free time, and he loved these places. It was suggested he write a Zagat’s Guide for them. (Some people don’t understand the vagaries of such Asian places. Go in and order a 69, and they might bring you Kung Pao Chicken.) But there were two things that he looked for, which you should avoid: if they are open until 10 p.m. and are in a cheap mall next to a payday lender, Boost Mobile, or a vape store.

We all know of New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s Florida jack shack arrest over an $80 massage. He was in an Asian Massage parlor and suddenly handcuffed and humiliated. Then the Jupiter police arrived and arrested him. (Patriots Owner Robert Kraft Defends Anti-Free Speech Pressure Campaign Against Macklemore)

Kraft is 85. He may have just been paying the girl to take a nap with him. It had to be confusing for him; most white guys Kraft’s age have never been with an Asian woman for free. And with six Super Bowl rings on his hands, it would be hard for him to do that himself.

Recently, the San Francisco 49ers’ owner got busted going to a trailer park to pay $140 for sex. I guess I’ve been wrong all along; I thought if you were a billionaire, the hookers came to you. There is no longer a secret sex island, and now this. I’m not sure it is worth becoming a billionaire anymore.

Both these men have racehorses and have been to the Kentucky Derby. But these visits might be the real “Fastest Two Minutes in Sports.”

When Democrat Molder runs his campaign ads in November, he can address this issue with some pious statement. And at the end, I would advise him to make light of this matter by saying: “My name is Chaz Molder, and I approve the massage.”