Sex Positivity Failed The Cornell Students

The “Cornell 7” case has reignited a longstanding debate about consent, sexual regret, and #MeToo, roiling the already tense dynamic between the sexes to an extent they may never recover. While much outrage has centered on the young men’s alleged behaviors, which were indeed egregious, we must hold young women to the same standard.

Jane Doe’s lawsuit, which alleges she was plied with drugs and alcohol and sexually assaulted for several hours by seven fraternity brothers, has spurred a new wave of activism on Cornell’s campus and online. Women have taken to social media in solidarity, posting videos with the caption, “I Am Jane Doe,” or, “We Are All Jane Doe,” to act as decoys to protect Doe’s anonymity. Some users have shared their own stories of being sexually abused or assaulted in the context of date rape.

As unfortunate and tragic as these disclosures are, these women share little in common with Jane Doe, who says she was coerced into group sex. More importantly, Doe’s own actions point to her sexual experience being consensual.

A woman who has been sexually assaulted does not text her attacker afterward to tell him that she loves him and will use violence to defend him, or that “none of the sexual stuff was illegal.”

It was only after Doe suffered reputational damage from gossip spreading around campus and the fraternity disinvited her from an upcoming party, that her tone changed and she went to the police.

What led Doe to make decisions that were — to any objective observer — not in her best interest, and then, instead of reflecting on them, double down and blame everyone else involved? My answer is: sex positivity. And the sooner young women reject this way of thinking, the better off they will be.

Doe showed up to the fraternity house, by herself, at nearly midnight to meet a male friend to whom she was attracted. The male friend asked if she’d be interested in having a threesome, to which she agreed before ascertaining whom the second male partner would be.

After consensually consuming alcohol and ketamine, by her own admission, Doe swapped in new male partners as necessary to facilitate multiple threesomes. When one of the accused men appeared concerned upon entering the bedroom, Doe told him, “This was normal in the medieval times.”

Sex positivity tells women to lead with their sexuality. Popular female podcasters, influencers, and mainstream sex educators tell young women that sexual permissiveness and open-mindedness are the way to a man’s heart. They advise women to have sex on the first date, and if a man can’t handle a woman’s high “body count,” he’s insecure and unworthy of her time.

Pair that with early exposure to pornography, and it’s no wonder so many young women are confused about what healthy sexual values look like and don’t believe they have the right to demand respect from themselves and their partners.

A man who is genuinely interested in a woman isn’t going to proposition her to have sex with him and his friends. Men have a hard-wired aversion to female promiscuity because it obscures the paternity of potential offspring. It would be a complete waste of a man’s resources and effort to invest in raising a child, only to find out later he isn’t the father.

If a woman agrees to sleep with multiple men without knowing anything about them, not only does this increase a man’s likelihood of being cuckolded, but it also leads him to question her judgment. She thereby becomes less attractive as a potential girlfriend and wife.

A man will typically invest little in a woman he deems promiscuous and will, quite frankly, treat her as a “sex doll,” as Doe succinctly observed.

Research shows that women are more likely to experience regret and feeling used after casual sex. Women are also more likely to be shamed by both sexes for promiscuity.

No one likes feeling icky after a sexual experience, but believing that an autonomous decision was non-consensual after the fact leaves an individual vulnerable to making the same mistakes again. Sex positivity’s adherents will interpret negative feelings post-sex as an indication that something nonconsensual took place because they can’t conceptualize the reality that some forms of sex are indeed shameful and distasteful.

As for young men, do not treat women’s bodies like sexual objects to be passed around at whim. Do not engage in group sex or casual sexual activity, especially if the woman is a stranger or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. If a woman shows up alone to an establishment populated with men, the gentlemanly response would be to ensure her safety instead of preying on her.

We must differentiate between sexual regret and non-consent. Failing to do so does a disservice to actual victims.

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Dr. Debra Soh is a sex neuroscientist and the author of “Sextinction: The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy.” She was featured in Matt Walsh’s film, “What Is A Woman?” Visit her at DrDebraSoh.com.

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