Tough Love: Is Three Kids Too Many?

Dear Abigail,

My husband and I are struggling deeply with the question of whether or not we want more kids. We have two beautiful, healthy, wonderful boys, who are 3 and 1. We’ve had a blast with parenting so far; these years with young kids have been a lot more fun than we thought they’d be. I loved the baby stage, and would really enjoy another. But, of course, babies grow up, and we’re debating on the logistics of adding another child—another whole person—into the mix.

Mostly, my husband is worried about timing. He dreams about biking, hiking, and traveling with our boys, and worries another child, 2 years younger at the very least, would slow down the adventures he might have with the older two. He’s excited for the things we can do with older, more independent kids, and he doesn’t want to hold them back. He also worries that the dynamics of three might be hard, with one being left out, especially if we end up having another boy. Finances are a concern, obviously, as are the sheer logistics of managing three young kids, since my husband tends to travel for work a lot, leaving me home alone with the boys (which I don’t resent—it’s part of our familial bargain—but it is hard to imagine parenting on my own with ANOTHER small body to keep safe, fed, and happy).

I also worry about the process of pregnancy and nursing again, namely being big and round for another season, while having to chase around TWO small children. Both pregnancies took a significant toll on my health, changing my body in permanent and unpleasant ways (not just weight gain, but issues that impact my daily comfort and will likely require surgery). Again, there’s no resentment; it’s just the facts.

But deep down, I don’t feel done. I love the idea of a big, noisy, happy family. Secretly, I keep wishing I’ll get pregnant by accident (unlikely, with an IUD) just so the decision will be made for me. I worry I’m yearning for another kid out of some sense of nostalgia, or because of baby fever, and would be burdening our family just because I can’t let go of the early years and step into another phase of life.

I know it’s a personal decision that only we can make, but I’d appreciate your tough love. Should we go for another? Or be happy with the two we have?

Thank you,

Conflicted Mama, 35

Dear Conflicted,

You tell me you very much want another child. But you present all the reasons against it: the additional cost, the inconvenience, the limitations on the sorts of trips you can take and the kinds of fun your husband can have with the big brothers while you’re lugging a newborn around.

I cannot tell you whether to have another child. There’s a lot to consider, not least your health and the absolute necessity of you and your husband deciding this as a couple. But I do want to help. So allow me to take the other side—assign myself the role of advocate for the future third—and offer some of the hidden pleasures of having one more.